I recently read an amusing article on couples and how their irritating habits can sometimes lead to break-ups. The survey noted that leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor and flicking through TV channels were the top two quarrel starters (imagine that). It also found that most couples out of the 3 000 surveyed, are likely to fight on a Thursday night at 8pm for 10 minutes, and bicker 312 times a year.
Although minor irritations – hearing your girlfriend or boyfriend chew loudly next to your ear – is not something to be totally ignored, this triggered my interest to look at the more serious challenges existing in some intimate relationships.Tanja Bencuntalks sex and education.
Some couples complain about a boring sex life, same thing, same time, one partner wanting it more than the other (woman feigning a headache is commonly used), and some just having a very low libido. But what about a completely sexless union. Sexologist Elna Mcintosh specialises in unconsummated marriages due to the woman suffering from a condition known as Vaginismus, or as she refers to it in layman’s terms “the frightened vagina”. I have often heard of woman and men being afraid of the vagina for various reasons, but in this case the vagina is afraid of itself.
“Her pelvic floor muscles go into complete spasm and the man cannot penetrate her. These people live in a long silence – sometimes 18 years before they seek help, which is sad because there is help out there.”
Elna has found in her practice that the women’s fear often stems from either religious beliefs, strict family upbringing, or even funny comments heard as a child that in turn affects them as adults’ years later. Psychological issues manifesting into the physical. Interestingly enough, sexual abuse is seldomly found to be a reason for ‘scaring the vagina’ into involuntary spasms.
“Many of the women who suffer of this condition fall under a perfectionist personality profile…Couples with this problem often carry on with stuff they did before marriage – heavy petting, mutual masturbation…but they want to move to sex.”
The problem comes after the honeymoon when the couple wants to have a baby, and unfortunately what happens here is “lovemaking has now become baby making.” But this does not stop the fear of Vaginismus. “I see it right across the races but I do see it strongly in the Indian religion, especially in arranged marriages. Where the woman follows the husband away from her home and has no support structure.”
In rare cases, the women can suffer from a rigid hymen, where surgery is needed as it is a physical condition. Woman who are not aware of this could spend years, even their whole life, with no sexual enjoyment.
Relax
Elna says: “One of the biggest problems with these women is they don’t open their legs…I need to teach them to relax their upper thighs and pelvic floor muscles (pilates, yoga, meditation all help)…they are almost like the perfect lady.”
“Once they understand the condition and start learning how to relax the treatment is fulfilling. On average 6 months show significant results, but on occasion two weeks is enough depending on the diagnosis.”
The bulk of Elna’s patients suffer from Anorgasmia – women who don’t orgasm. According to recent surveys, six out of ten women suffer from this and live in silence with the condition. “Very often they have this because of myths and no information about their genitals. I am amazed at how little women know about their genitals.”
So in this case it is good to know your genitalia, “men know everything about their genitalia. Woman are clueless down there…i’s down there we don’t visit it often.”
Many women are not in touch with their sexuality and do not explore that side of themselves, so they do not know how and what gives them pleasure, and these are the ones that need to be taught that it’s okay to enjoy sex. Elna adds that “a lot of women also just were not told that it is okay to have sexual pleasure, they think it’s all about the man. They don’t know to embrace their sexuality…In therapy we educate them about their genitalia and how it works. Pleasurable sex is a learnt behaviour.”
Having sex is a natural behaviour but many people need to learn how to have pleasurable sex. This can be learnt from your own experience, knowing what you do and don’t like. But some people do need professional help in understanding their bodies and their pleasure zones to allow them to fully enjoy sex.
It’s a fact. Men orgasm faster than woman, on average 3 minutes, it is the way they are designed. A woman needs to know this just as the man needs to know it takes the average woman 14 minutes to orgasm. So education here is key in making sex more pleasurable – it’s not all about you as you may want to think.
“Sexual dysfunction issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and pain during intercourse are often resolved in just a few therapy sessions”
Bored-roomSpicing things up in the love life department can be tricky – especially if one wants it more than the other. Bored couples often try new things thinking it will help, like threesome’s and swinging, although I suspect swinging from chandeliers would be much more fun.
Clinical sexologist Leandie Buys finds that many couples, married or not, who are in a long term relationship can get bored with their sex life if it is not nurtured. Changing roles such as parenthood can also lead to frustration in the bedroom. Stress, medication and unresolved issues are also huge contributing factors that can cause a drop in libido for both men and women.
“I find that couples who are bored sexually have become stuck in a rut and don’t know how to spice up their relationship any more. I usually encourage them to think back to when they were first started dating – how they used to dress up for each other, spoil each other and generally put more effort into the relationship. I also teach them how to come to terms with their changing life roles, how to enjoy their bodies as they go through age-related changes and how to communicate more effectively with each other.”
Arriving early
The most common sexual problems in men is Premature Ejaculation (PE), when the man ‘comes’ too soon during intercourse and their partner cannot reach climax. Between 30% and 70% of men have PE, which often leads to dissatisfaction with sex, stress in the relationship, and feelings of shame or anxiety. The exact cause is unknown, but in most cases, it is believed to be psychological.
Buys says it is very treatable but most men don’t seek help. “Sexual dysfunction issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and pain during intercourse are often resolved in just a few therapy sessions. I use cognitive behavioural therapy and techniques to address sexual dysfunction once I have established that the issue is psychological not physical (due to medication, heart disease, diabetes etc).”
In the older generation of men, over the age of 45, Erectile Dysfunction (impotence) is common. It is the inability for the man to get and/or keep an erection that allows sexual activity with penetration. Elna says this is a physical condition often related to the heart. All these conditions are treatable but men feel embarrassed to go to the doctor when they are having problems in their below the waist area.
Lack of sexual understanding
Elna, who studied almost 10 years inAmerica, says there is a lack of knowledge in sexual health inAfrica. “Because of HIV, the biggest problem right now is if we are not going to talk to people about sex, we are never going to get anywhere on this epidemic. People harp on too much about HIV instead of sexual health and other sexual practices.It’s not as simple as saying put a condom on it.”
“HIV/Aids is a huge problem but we must start looking at all sexual health issues and practices…Sexual and reproductive research is important, it encompasses all sexual health practices including HIV, people are tired of always talking about HIV.”In a country where the HIV infection rate is the highest in the world, Elna is surprised at how little people know, “stop just staying wear condoms and abstain – we must start talking the talk.”
Understanding sexual health and being in touch with yourself and your genitalia is vital in having a healthy sex life. If you have a problem don’t leave it – often it is not a sex problem it is a relationship problem, or it is physical and can be fixed in a few therapy sessions.
As a woman would say, ‘let’s talk about it’…
– By Tanja Bencun
